Birthday Boy!

THEN (June, 2004)

NOW (June, 2006)

Here's the Birthday Boy!

Where Have the Little Things Gone?

Every night, there was at least a goodnight kiss and a heartfelt, “I love you.” Each morning when my hubby arose, he would walk around the bed, lean down, and kiss me on the forehead on his way to start getting ready for his day. Sometimes he even left notes for me to find. When he arrived home, I always got a big hug and kiss. A phone call at lunch was a given. When watching TV, we sat together on the couch, cuddled up, talking about what we were seeing.

All this BEFORE. Before what, I’m not sure. These little things didn’t stop abruptly, just gradually. Maybe a little at a time after the children arrived. But now things look more like this:

Maybe when the light goes off at night, I hear, “Goodnight.” My hubby passes right by me when he gets out of bed to start getting ready. I do get a goodbye kiss before he leaves (Thank God that hasn’t disappeared, yet!) Notes are left, but only for the children. When he arrives home, each kid gets a big hug and kiss and off he goes to change his clothes. A phone call occurs occasionally at lunch. When we watch TV, I’m on one side of the couch curled up alone and he’s on the other side (or on the floor). During commercials, my husband flips the channels instead of talking.

Where have the little things gone? My husband is not totally to blame. I don’t lean over to kiss him goodnight, either. I don’t rush over and get a kiss when he walks through the door. I usually head right upstairs to start dinner. While watching TV, I find myself picking a seat far away from him and curling myself up.

I’m hoping our little romantic weekend away will help us find those little things again. I think it’s a good sign that my husband so readily agreed to go away. Maybe he’s looking for the little things, too.

The Countdown Begins.......

My son's second birthday is Thursday. I can't believe it's been that long! And, we're going to celebrate. We have a Wild West Party planned for Saturday with all the fixins', including pony rides. My son loves horses. He carries around horses, grabs any book he sees with a horse on it, and tries to ride anything he can like a horse. I hear, "yah, yah" all day. He is very serious about his horses!

I love to plan parties for my little ones. My daughter is already putting in requests for her party in November. But, the key word there is PLAN. When it comes to actually getting ready (I mean cleaning), I get into a very, very bad mood. I just can't stand cleaning. I've never been very good at it. As soon as I clean, I can spot dirt, immediately! What is that? I scream and cuss and it's not a pleasant experience for anyone within 10 blocks of me. And, the pressure is greater when it's my in-laws coming. I've actually seen my mil do the white glove test. Can you believe that?

Well, gotta go clean. I broke out my magic eraser (which is amazing, if not magical) and I'm on my way.

We Did It!

We did it~ We scheduled a romantic weekend away for our 7th anniversary! We're going to a beautiful B&B in southern Vermont (recommended by my friend Stephanie)! It looks wonderful. Our room has a private balcony overlooking a frog pond. I just can't wait! Two whole days and nights away (from the kids).

Now, as the reality hits as I get closer to my weekend, I wonder if I'll still be as excited. Two days AND nights away from the kids. I worry about how it will go with my mom and step-dad. The days will be fine, but nights? I don't know. My son has been getting up before the crack of dawn (very difficult with these long days) and not napping. My poor parents. Do they know what they agreed to? Have I duped them?

Anyway, the thought of going away will keep me sustained for the next few weeks with anticipation. It's wonderful to have something fun to look forward to.

Romantic Getaway

My husband and I decided last night to plan a weekend getaway -- something we haven't done since we had kids. Of course, we have to okay this with grandma and see if she's up for the challenge. Last night, we were trying to think of a place not more than 4-5 hours away to visit for the weekend. It's hard to find a reasonably-priced place on a summer weekend (I know, poor planning). But, I won't let this stand in our way. Does anyone have any suggestions for weekend getaways not too, too far from Northern NJ?

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**I would also like to thank my friend Stephanie for my cute, new header. Not only did she design it, she came over to put it in my blog (something I could no way figure out. Thanks, Stephanie!)

Caller ID

Caller ID is a wonderful invention and I recommend it for all newlyweds. It came in handy to have caller ID so when each of our parents called, we knew who should answer the phone. This avoided many uncomfortable moments for everyone involved. Let's face it, our parents call to talk to us, not our spouses. Okay, maybe I'm projecting here, but in our house it was true (and still is)!

But, Caller ID can also cause problems in a marriage. Again, probably projecting here. We have one phone that calls out the caller's number, but does not give the name. Last night, the phone rings with an unfamiliar number. My son is screaming he wants his shoes on, my daughter is already out the backdoor running, and my husband is staring at the caller id asking me who it is. What? Here's an idea, answer the phone and find out. We have limited time here, kid's crying, daughter's running away.......

By the time my husband decides to answer, the caller hangs up, doesn't leave a message. So, it's probably some solicitor or something. But, that's not the point. He does this ALL the time. There is always a discussion before he will answer the phone. He needs to know who it is, why I think they're calling, should WE answer, etc.... Then, it is highly unlikey he will answer the phone. The only time he will answer is when his mother calls and then it's only a 50/50 chance (okay, that I understand).

This behavior drives me crazy. What really throws me over the edge is when he sees the caller id says it's someone we know and he hands the phone to me to answer. Why can't he ever answer? Am I the only one who can talk to people?

This telephone behavior goes even further. If there is take-out to be ordered, my husband is gracious enough to find the menu, pick out his selection, and find the phone for me to call. He won't do it.

What is this irrational avoidance of the phone? I pay the bills on time, so it's not the creditors. I'm not sure, but this could be grounds for a divorce (only kidding! sort of).

I'll Call (AKA don't wait by the phone)

Back in March, I worked hard to procure a playdate with a little girl in my daughter's class. I was very nervous, feeling like someone trying to get a real date with the popular guy in school. But, I mustered up some courage at a birthday party and invited the little one, her mom and little brother over for a playdate. The mom graciously accepted. It even felt like she was happy to be invited. I cleaned my house meticulously, bought muffin tops and snacks for the kids, and hid the toys I knew my kids wouldn't share. I was ready for the "perfect" playdate.

The date was pretty good, but not perfect. But are any first dates perfect? I mean the small talk was fine. I thought we had some things in common. The kids played well together, for the most part. So, I was happy and not too surprised when the mom invited us over for another playdate at her house in a couple of weeks.

We accepted the invitation in the hopes of establishing a regular "dating" relationship. I thought the second date was even better. The kids played even better together, the conversation was flowing more easily. We made plans for the following week to do something.

Unfortunately, I had to cancel. I called and left a message saying I couldn't make it that week, but maybe we could reschedule for the following week. I didn't hear back. So, I made another attempt at reaching the mom. I left another message. Never heard back. Hmmmm???

I ran into the family at school. The mom said she got my messages and she was going to call when her schedule settled down a little. She DEFINITELY wanted to get the girls together.

Okay, I thought. She's busy. She'll call. Well, it's almost July and she hasn't called. I've seen her at school a couple more times and each time she says that her little girl talks about my daughter all the time and we really need to get the girls together. She's definitely going to be calling very soon. I've heard that line before.

What I want to know is, what happened? I thought we had a good time. It seemed like we were going to try to establish a regular playdate. Then, nothing. The, "I'll call" line. I thought that only happened in the real dating world. Well, I'm not holding my breath. I'm not going to wait by the phone. It's time I get back out there and start finding some new dates.

Mother Euphoria

Yesterday was a good day. I say that with great feeling. Yesterday was a good day. It doesn't seem like I've had one of these in awhile. I actually enjoyed being with my kids. I thought to myself that this is what it was like to enjoy being a mom. My kids behaved, for the most part. And, their few infractions, I handled with the grace of a patient mom.

We spent the day out -- got their pictures taken at JCPenny (went beautifully), played at the mall and had lunch, went to a playgroup where they were nice to the other kids (again, for the most part) and I was able to enjoy being with my friends.

I was able to "stick around" when my husband got home and spend time with everyone playing games (as the satellite went out. I know, the horror, but it didn't get me down). My husband was crabby after a bad day at work. This usually throws me into a tizzy, but I was fine. Even after his snapping at me, I was fine. No fight ensued. I let it go.

I was in bed thinking, "I feel good. How can I bottle this for tomorrow?" I actually felt chemically altered, but I swear I wasn't drinking or taking anything, not even Tylenol PM. I chose to think I was finally happy being a mom. Now, can this feeling last??

Battle Update

Well, my husband and the two little ones are at my in-laws today and I am home. We didn't battle about it, we didn't even discuss it until this morning when my mil's number popped up on the caller id. I actually thought we were going to spend the day at home working, but we're not. My husband asked if I would be mad if he went with the kids and he understood if I didn't want to come. So, I let them go with no yelling or screaming, etc. I guess I sort of got my way. I didn't go to the in-laws. But, he did.

On one hand, I'm enjoying being home alone for once. That never happens. But, I also feel anxious that they are sitting around judging me for not coming and sending my poor husband to them alone with two kids. Why do I feel bad? They would be judging me on something else if I was there. I just feel afraid that my kids are there without me.

I'm trying to put it out of my mind. I bought myself some beer, ordered Chinese, and plan to be happily "buzzed" soon. Yes, I'm drinking alone. Since my last drink was months ago, I figure I'm not in danger of becoming an alcoholic. Unless, of course, I enjoy myself too much.

The Silent Battle of Wills

My husband and I are in the midst of a battle of wills. About a week ago, my husband indicated that his mother was having a picnic the day before Father's Day and wanted to know if we could make it. He went on to say we could go early and take the kids fishing. Well, that would all be fine except a few days before this invitation, I had asked him if I could have my dad over for a picnic at our house that same day to celebrate Father's Day (the day I spend with my dad every year for Father's Day) and was told that he was way too busy to do that and I should just do something alone with him.

HMM, I thought he was too busy. When I bring this up during a heated discussion, he lays it on the line that he's disgusted with my father for the whole issue with his estranged wife, etc. (see previous posts). This heated discussion continues with me letting hubby know that he's been really nasty and mean lately (which is unlike him) and what is the problem? He then, again, focuses on my father. Why it's okay to blame my father's issues for my husband's nasty behavior, I'm not sure. Anyway, my husband apologizes and says he'll be nicer. Within minutes, the discussion returns to the day before Father's Day plans. I tell him to go to his mom's and I'll do something with my dad. He gets angry saying I can't make that decision without discussing it and then proceeds to say that my father may have plans with his new family that day (very mean, right?)

I'm enraged now. I scream, "Fine, I'll go to your mother's and hope that means you'll stop being mean to me." I storm off to bed. He tries to apologize and hug and cuddle. I tell him thanks for the apology, but leave me alone. I go to bed.

Fade to today -- no one has brought up our Saturday plans. His parents were here yesterday and it wasn't discussed (at least in front of me). I've asked about Father's Day, but have not brought up Saturday.

So, do you think my husband thinks I'm going to that picnic? Did he take my argument words literally?

I usually break first in these battles of will. Not this time. I'm making him bring it up first. I know he's scared. I don't want to go to the in-laws that day even though I made plans with my father for tomorrow instead. Very interesting around here. It's like a big elephant in the room no is talking about.

Now, who is the mature one in our relationship??

Just When I Thought......

Just when I thought....... I would scream because I have to ask my husband 100 times (I'm not exaggerating, okay, maybe a little) to bring up the basket of clean laundry, he goes ahead and brings this week's up without even one request.

Just when I thought .......my husband was incapable of doing anything but make a mess when he's alone with the kids, he goes ahead and puts up the handrail and sweeps out the garage while I'm out food shopping.

Just when I thought......... I was the only one who could clean up the dinner table and put the dishes in the dishwasher, I found out I was right. I came home from shopping and the dinner table was still filthy and the dishes were still on the table, the cooking bowls still in the sink.

Well, I guess two surprises for one day was all I could get. Better than nothing, right?

The Joys of Motherhood

More than I would like to admit, I wonder to myself why I chose to have kids. Not only did I chose to have them, I "worked" very hard to get them. It's what I wanted to do with my life. I thought having kids was why God had put me here on Earth. I hadn't found anything else that made sense of why I was here, so I just knew deep down that it was to have children and be a great mom.

Well, I had two little ones, rather close together. In the past three and half years, I have spent many moments thinking about pre-children times and missing the good old days (only then I didn't know they were the good old days). I think I'm a pretty good mom, but not the great mom I envisioned. I mean what great mom fanatizes about her children leaving home when they haven't even reached kindergarten? And, I still wonder why God has put me here, because I'm not sure parenting is it.

These feelings make me feel terrible. I love my kids. They are smart and funny and have strong personalities just like their mom. But, they drive me crazy -- literally. I've actually started seeing a therapist to try to figure it all out. So far I've learned that being a stay-at-home mom isn't for everyone. That's what the therapist said. I agree, but I surely thought it was for me. Especially since I know working full-time is not for me either. Well, therapy will continue (at least until my allowable 20 sessions last).

Anyway, after feeling very agitated with the kids one day driving them somewhere, my daughter started singing in the back of the car along with her JoJo Circus CD. Her little squeaky voice trying to sing every word, missing one here or there, but still carrying on. I wasn't agitated anymore. I was smiling, something that I don't do enough with them. I thought to myself, this is it. This is the happiness of being a mom. If only I could recognize it more often, maybe I wouldn't be so miserable.

So in an attempt to consciously recognize the joys of motherhood, I'm going to list some of my favorites:

• My daughter's singing
• My son's rubbing my back and hair in such a sensitive way
• Watching my daughter try to teach my son to talk and announcing proudly, "I taught Chris that!"
• Seeing my children learn right before my eyes
• Having my little one say, "I love you, mommy"
• Watching my kids trying to give inchworms leaves to eat so they won't go hungry
• Dropping them off at grandma's for the day (oops!)

My mid-year resolution is to recognize the joys of motherhood as they are happening and to remember them vividly. In addition, I resolve to forget (or at least try) the agitating parts of motherhood as soon as they happen. Will I break this mid-year resolution? Probably. But, I will get back up on that horse and try again. At least until the kids leave!

The DaVinci Code, The Last Templar, The Templar Legacy.....Yada Yada Yada

I have to say that I've gotten caught up in all the hoopla surrounding The DaVinici Code. It doesn't hurt that my mother is a conspiracy fanatic and she keeps bringing me over more and more novels about the whole "church conspiracy."

I want to preface this post by saying I do believe in God. As I've written in a previous post, I was raised Catholic, spent some time attending a Baptist church and now consider myself a practicing Catholic who needs to practice a little bit harder.

All these conspiracy theories concerning Jesus are fascinating. Some of them even make sense (at least as much as the story that I've been taught all my life is). I don't think it would be such a tragedy to find out that Jesus was married to Mary Magadelene and had babies. Why would this upset people so much? Don't you think it makes Jesus a little more approachable? Someone who might understand the ups and downs of an intimate relationship? And, wouldn't it open it up for priests to finally get married? I'm pretty sure it's a positive all away around (unless you focus on the fact that the church may have lied about it forever to keep us women down).

I have to say I also liked the explanation of Jesus in the book The Templar Legacy. It suggests that Jesus was just a great man. Isn't that what some religions believe anyway? But, it describes how people viewed him and how his actions really inspired people to be Jesus-like. It does say he was crucified for his beliefs, but was not physically resurrected. It suggests that his early followers were so inspired that he was spiritually resurrected in them. This has a beautiful believability to it.

Now, expressing these thoughts, I hope I don't go straight to Hell. I guess that Catholic upbringing has a strong hold. It just gets you thinking.

If my day wasn't happening to me directly, I would probably laugh and feel a little sorry for the woman to which it was happening. Let me say I had a TERRIBLE, AWFUL weekend. The weather was terrible and everyone in my family was in a crabby mood. To have four of us all mad at the same time has the makings of an explosion. But, we made it to Sunday night (barely) without hurting ourselves or others. I went to bed hoping for a better Monday. That's how desperate I was, hoping a Monday would be better. But, it got worse and I can't believe that's possible. Let me outline my day thus far (it is only 1:30 PM).

• My son got up before 6AM for the third day in a row.
• He spent the next hour kicking me while he watched the Christmas teletubbies tape.
• When I picked up my son to get him ready to go out for the morning, he hit me in the face twice.
• I drove out of my way to go to my bank's MAC machine to avoid the bank fees to find the machine Out of Order.
• I drove 10 miles to the craft store to take my kids to the storytime/craft time they have there to find that they no longer have it.
• I then take my kids to a local park and pull in just after two busloads of first-graders are dropped off. Of course, my 3-year-old still wants to try it out. Within 5 minutes, we get run into by screaming 6-year-olds at least four times.
• I talk my daughter into leaving and going to another park. On the way back to the car, my son flips for the third time that day and again hits me in the face.
• As I turn onto the street the alternate park is on, I see a ROAD CLOSED sign. I briefly considered ramming the sign and flooring it to the park. Then, thankfully, I see a detour sign that does take around and we finally make it to the park.
• The park slides are full of water, but by this time I tell my kids to go ahead.

I am now hiding in my office from the kids. My son, who is supposed to be napping, is watching Beauty and the Beast on my bed (I'm hoping he falls asleep) and my daughter is sitting on her little potty watching TV. How long can I stay in here? Until their father comes home?

PS When I tried to post this blog, it didn't work. I guess I can be thankful that recover post found it.

Crash

Yesterday, we received Crash from Netflix in the mail. I wasn't even sure what it was about and wasn't really looking forward to watching it (it was my hubby's choice). However, now I know why it won best picture. I've never been so sure about a best picture actually being the best picture before. AWESOME!

Now, saying that, I don't think I'd be able to watch it again. The movie is very uncomfortable to watch. Being a white woman in a predominately white town, I found that I am totally out of touch. It shocked me what goes on in today's world. I have to credit the acting to making it all so believable and touching. I actually had physical reactions to watching this movie -- my heart beat faster, I lost my breath, I actually gasped in shock. I also saw the most unbelievable 30 seconds in a movie in my life. I think being a mother brought it home, but watching that little girl (I don't want to ruin it for those who've haven't seen it) made my heart swell and break at the same time.

This is not a relaxing movie. I was exhausted when I started it, but by the time it was over, I was wide awake. I thought about the characters while I tried to fall asleep. I think I even dreamed about that little girl. I know this all sounds over the top, but watching Crash was an experience. For a thought-provoking two hours, I highly recommend it.

Are You Mad at Me?

This is how I feel just about all the time:

Are you mad at me?

Talk about pressure. If my husband has a bad day and is quiet when he gets home, I repeatedly ask, "are you mad at me?" Or, I start to get creative and ask, "did I do something?" And, then, not to sound repetitive, I ask, "is there something you want to talk to me about?" My poor husband explains AT LEAST 20 times a week that he's not mad, just tired, stressed out, etc. He said he'll let me know if he's mad about something (and he does so I'm not sure why I'm always so worried).

It doesn't just happen with my husband either. My parents -- I often worry the same thing. If my mom doesn't call for a day or two (she usually calls every weekday), I start to think about our last conversation and think of things she might be ticked about. I wonder what slight I may have given.

Friends -- yes, I suffer there, too. I try to hide it from them more, but the feelings are still there. If I don't hear from someone for awhile, I start to think what happened at our last get together that causes them not to want to be friends anymore. If I don't get a tone of voice I think is warm enough, I start to ponder where I went wrong that day. Crazy, right?

You would think the Blog world would be a safe haven for me in this aspect. But, alas, no. I also wonder when I don't get comments from some "regulars" for awhile what I wrote to offend. Did I not make appropriate comments on their blogs? The questions are endless.

Yes, I know, you think I'm nutty. And, you're right. Does this mean you'll be mad at me now?? (HAHA)