Control.... Or Lack Thereof

My son, who turned two in June, has really hit the terrible twos with a vengence. I thought it had started already, but he was just warming up. The past two weeks have been almost unbearable (I say almost because somehow I've survived!)

Now, these tantrums have occured at home, at the lake, at the movies, at my mother's, just about everywhere. They happen in the morning, the afternoon, and the evening. So, I'm not sure they have to do with sleepiness. I'm rather sure they have to do with not getting his way. If he is disturbed in any fashion, he FREAKS out. I thought my daughter could throw a whopper of a tantrum, but I had seen nothing like these.

As my son is my second child, I don't embarass as easily when he starts to tantrum in public. I try to calmly (and I stress the word TRY) carry on with my business and ignore the tantrum as much as possible. But, sometimes I snap at a movie refreshment stand worker. Sorry!

I've thought alot about the control of my children since these tantrums have escalated. I know we can't control others' (adults') actions (as I've spent a great deal of time discussing in therapy), but shouldn't we have some control over our children's behavior? Isn't that our job? I often wonder why I don't seem to have more control.

As a trained school psychologist, I spent years learning that consistency by the parents and educators were the way to get children to comply/behave. This led me to believe (before I had kids) that parents should be able to control their children's behavior. I would sit in my office in the middle school where I worked often joking that many of the special education students should be classified "parentally impaired" as their parents seemed to be their biggest problem. I couldn't understand when a parent said she can't make her son do this or that. I would think, aren't you the parent?

Now, I still do believe that parents need to be consistent. They do have some responsibility for their children's behavior, but not to the extent that I once thought. These little beings, even when they are toddlers, are people with personalities and with learning to do. I'm doing my best to mold their behavior so when they do reach middle school they still won't be tantruming or refusing to behave in a socially appropriate manner, but I can't totally control them.

That's right, I can't totally control them. I can only control how I react to them. Their tantrum, in public, doesn't say to everyone that I'm a bad parent. It's just says that I have a toddler who is still learning how to behave. I have to learn to let go of being a control-freak when it comes to their tantrums, it just makes my reaction to them inappropriate. Hopefully, if I let go of that control and focus on the control of my behavior I will be able to teach my children how to control themselves.